Deep in a hole, Got to get out of this…

My emotions have become an issue.  I can’t even write, I’m loosing myself. I will get this together, I will make it out of my hole I dug. It has now become a challenge to clime out of because it’s deep. I look up and it’s so high up, I yell, “Help!” Nobody can hear me…. So I have to help myself out or, I’m going to be down here waiting on help. I’ll die if I wait, no food, no water and it’s real dirty. I already feel sick, I know I’m dying slowly, my body is telling me to “Save Yourself!”………

“Happy Mother’s Day to every mother out there!”

 To each mother who have children or who are holding there joy in the oven, backing a new life. To all mothers who have lost there children, the ones who still fighting to get them back,  the ones who chose not to be in there child’s life,  mothers who adopted for they could not carry child, mothers who have put there child to rest,  to fathers who have to be mother, for an event has changed things to this.  I am not going to say your not worthy to celebrate mothers day because of any circumstance. I give this Happy Mothers Day to every single mother out there! 

 Don’t bash mothers, NO! Not one deserves to be.  Before you can say a word about someone, there situation of why things are the way they are in life, walk in there shoes…. You can’t, can you?  That is because everyone has something different that has brought on there situations.  

 Why have these mothers become drug users and have lost there children?  Why did these mothers give there Children up for adoption? Why is this mother dancing on poles and then going home to be a mother?  Well they have lost hope due to a broken spirit,  heart,  abuse,  false accusations,  criticized by others who don’t know there story. 

  I tell you what, “don’t let them mothers who talk down on others fool you, there broken inside and have issues at home themselves, witch they cover to keep there reputation in the mommy play date meets or with other mothers who hide the truth.”

 I was around them woman and never took park in the talk of who does this?  Who is single mom now?  who lost there kids? for I was married, two babies and two school aged step children.  I took part in every school event, sport events,  and birthday parties.  Did my best to fit in with others.  My husband was a partaker in gossip and seemed to love drama.  

 I was just working hard to care for my family of six and that was hard,  on top I had a hard time saying no, so took on others kids for friends and family. Slowly, year after year I broke down, peace by peace. I left just for a few days, I had to get away, I had in my head to find somewhere I can stay that I can bring the babies but I could not find this.  So, I got them at my mother’s and there, I failed again because I wanted my husband and children together again but he had moved on a week later, with  his ex wife and never again was nice to me.  I broke the man’s heart and didn’t mean too.  He didn’t understand that my postpartum depression had control and I lost everything.  My whole life in a week and each day from June 2015 till January 2017 I become weaker. I almost did it,  had job and my own place and me and the children had spent our weekend together in our home.  What happiness and hope I had again.  Then crushed with news I have to move because my cousin decided there coming back home instead of staying in Texas, like they packed and planned for letting me take over rent payments.  To good to be true. There the kids dad bashed me again, for I was a failure, yet again.  

 Drug use was at a point,  I wanted to just die for I had lost myself.  I was so gone, I some days believed I was dead.  I was tired, Every time we talked he tore me down with words and tell me I care not all for our children.  My heart could not bear no more torment.  My family, my friends, people I never met criticized and blasted me on the internet. I hated me,  I believed that I was these comments made of me.  I won’t forget the day I prayed and begged for help to save me from my sorrow.  I was drowning in it and was very close to letting it have my soul, I was convinced that my children were better off without me.  

 I talked with my mother and made some phone calls about getting some help.  I went to rehab for 30 days and in that time, I fount my hope,  joy and peace in my heart.  I fount forgiveness, the power of prayer,  love, faith.  I met many woman and heard there testimonies on what lead them to rehab.  I gained friends who understand what it’s like to be in darkness. 

 My kids father still today has hateful words to say, I brush of now, even today. I can’t afford this task court ask of me. I do know, I won’t give up again.  I know where my soul is now and I know what I am able to overcome.  I’m not a bad mother! My children need my love! I’m a kind person, even when I was at my lowest of life. I would be there to pick you up and do my damnedest to bring a smile and hope to anyone and there situation. Everyone needs to hear words of encouragement. 

 I know how it is, to feel like your worthless,  not capable, like drugs are your only escape from the pain.  So I say Happy Mothers Day to all mothers! I will be there saying, “Don’t give up, the negative people are nothing but unhappy with a situation there dealing with.”  Pray, pray and pray some more with all that pain you hold,  for help to escape the dark world. 

 My life is still at a hard spot but I trust in him,  my father, the spirits he chose to guide me to where I belong. 

Hope all enjoyed this day and thank you Jesus for all mothers! 

Screen shot of my mother’s day response to getting a phone call from my children.  I never responded for maybe it’s not the day and it may hurt there feelings to hear me and not see me.  I just want to hear them, tell them mommy loves you always and forever. 

Poetry part 1, “Memory Love,” my heart felt words.  Real truth and emotion inside…

​”Memory Love” 

          The Love,

                             The cry,

             The need,

                    And most of all,

                                  The want. 

           Why?        

                         When it hurts so bad.

          Why?

         Maybe it feels that good?
                      “Love”

    So many feelings in one word. 

               You could love so much

                                Or 

                                      So little,

                 Does it ever just go away?

                          “No”

       Love can fade away,

       Because you no longer see this Feeling.

                            The Memory, 

                                It then, fades away.

                     You come across these feelings                Again one day

                                   The love is back,

               Just not the same.

      A Memory opens a feeling of Love

            Now it’s time,

                             For goodbye

         You keep feeling what’s inside again,

                               or

                         You let Go

                                        And 

                  Let memory of love 

                          be what it shall be….

                              poem 

                      “Memory Love”

                                 by 

                      Brittany Carroll

“My Goals for future post.”

My post Ill now be posting….

Ill write a summery soon for my readers of the effects of my emotions and living of life after my split with my ex husband. What things I started doing to ease my pain of having my children tooken away from me due to false accusations made about me. How I escaped my depression made it back to reality. New start and possibilities of a life I want and need……..

So wrote down the negative effects of my life and positive effects on my life…..

 

Now was going to start my WordPress over but decided that was silly due to the fact that I’m learning how to do this blogging thing, got a lot still to learn. After I get it down by just posting things like this then I think Ill be able to start my own webpage or blog. Not sure, like I said its learning for me right now. One day Ill know when I am ready to move on to something more. I’m already working on something but its just notes in my journal that I may one day bring to light.

 

So lets get started…